And i love how you smoke,just like Marlene Dietrich.

Today was a long...yet,short day.
sounds ridiculous.i didn't sleep at all 'til i got home from school today.
i love patternmaking class,time flies in there.
and the teacher is simply great.after class i went to coldstones with Vivianna.
we choked on the nuts that were in the ice cream.haha.
and as always i was pronouncing one of the choices in the menu in german x]
she was literally cracking up,i'm such a dork!!!
so when i got home i found out Peter Steele died,it's surreal,i can't believe
it one bit.i used to hear Type O Negative around the house growing up
'cos of my brother and sister.and on holidays we'd get drunk listening to them.
it's insane how a person can impact your life with their passions.
it takes time to sink into my brain...if anything ever happened to Ville,Mige,Linde,Gas,and Burton!!!
i dunno what i would do with my life.
anyhoooo,i took a five hour nap :)
it felt amazing,but i was still tired.
i love looking at old pictures 'cos you get sucked into this "time machine"
somethings you can never get back,their beautiful.this are pretty ancient.the ones of me are from september??and the kitty
i took in from the streets named Kitty Purry.
those were from august.i miss her dearly :(
i get attached to everything real easily;which is why i push people away,but
with animals i really don't give a shit if i get attached to.their my best friends :]
i remember how i found her all injured and hurt,and i cried,pleaded,and begged
my parents to let me take her in...and i did even if
it caused a lot of drama at home.i just wanted to love her.
eventually i had to find her a home even if it hurt me.

How can hearts so young feel so much pain?

I cannot stop listening to Chisu!!!
love her music a lot :) she is one of the most beautiful
ladies on this planet...actually i think all finns are.
they have the best genes...if only i was a finn xD
but instead i'm a wacko
so i've been MIA for a while???i suppose i was "busy"
it was my first week back at school;my second quarter.
yesterday was my older brother's 30th birthday...we made him loads of cupcakes.
they were quite delicious.
i also finished my shopping for the HIM concert,just got in my shorts today.
they came packed really extravagant.
so next friday is the day,and before the concert i am going to their signing
this week i'm getting my bracelet to get a guarantee that i'll meet them xD
IF i do...my prayers have finally been answered,to be in their very presence
makes me nervous!!!i'm making...or more like forcing my friend Abe to come along.
my brother and sister are coming along as well.a HIM day is what it will be <3
i have not slept in a day,my eyes are trying to shut down but i won't let them.
i have loads of homework,it's a busy quarter so far but i do love my
teachers their ace.
so i suppose that's the only news that i've had so far??
i'm off to go watch 90210 and feel like a teenager again.


xoxo

Sad little bird,sad little baby.

I am starting to believe that the only time i will ever
experience true happiness is when i see HIM or when i go to Finland.
there's nothing here for me,but people have me tied down.
everything and everyone is holding me here,and i hate it.
i love leaving without goodbyes or explanations,nothing here belongs to me.
my heart is in Finland and it's waiting for me.
i'm tired of feeling heartless and i am ready to leave and stay with it in Finland.
the only home that i know of.
the only one that i can stay tied down to.

xoxo

En haluu kuolla tänä yönä

These words always stood out me when i heard them.

"You know the trouble with you Lupe?
you live in words,not in the real world.
you think too much,you dream too much."

that has always been a "problem" of mine.
but as a child i taught myself that dreaming/daydreaming would
be the only way to escape from the chaos,and that's
the only way i received love.my dreams,my fantasies,my books,my pets.
i was lonesome all along,and those things were always present.
i could wander off in my thoughts and everyone would love me.
but recently everyone has a problem with how i've been living my life.
i can't be alone,and as of lately i'm not allowing myself to think
of things that are going to make me harm myself.
it'll be only for a while...i hope.
after all i am a mental person and our thoughts are always strange,crazy,and demented;
out of the ordinary,and shouldn't be thought of in the "real world."
but that's who i am...inexplicable,a dream,an illusion,elusive,and enigmatic.

xoxo

Death is in love with ME!

I'm bloody mental.
i'm going to try with every cell in my body.
for these five men and Sid.

"I know it hurts too much,i know that you're scared.
i know you're running out of trust and wishing you were dead.
but it's in your misery you're not alone."

xoxo

You say this world is a place full of thunderous love.

I'm going to tell you all a small story.
two nights ago i wanted to test something out,so i prayed to the Greek Goddess Aphrodite;the goddess of love and beauty.
i just said "give me a sign" i won't go into details.
but that night i had a weird dream...i usually have weird dreams,but
this one seemed to stand out from the rest.
so the next night i prayed to her again;won't say about what,but i did it 'cos
i couldn't go to sleep.
and it wasn't 'cos i was nervous for the next day,and going to school drama.
i was actually pretty excited...but i just COULD NOT SLEEP!!!!!!!!!
so a couple of minutes of praying to her i knocked out.
it was 5:02 a.m. and i had to get up at 5:30 so i thought i was doomed when
i was noticing my lids shutting down slowly.
within that hour of sleep;'cos i slept through my alarm,i had a dream that opened my
eyes,and not literally.
i will try not going into details but in this dream i decided "fuck it!"
i didn't want to be here anymore,i wanted to finally change and go to Finland.
so i told my younger sister Meli to take me...dunno how she could drive before me though.
so we decided to leave;she was only going to drop me off at the airport.
so while she was driving a letter appeared onto my lap,and i opened it.
the letter said "don't leave,just stay a little longer for me.you can't leave like this."
and i started to weep;in my dreams of course.
then my dad woke me up and told me "it's six" so i began to rush.
anyways,i told Meli about it and she tripped 'cos i told her what i prayed for
and what i wanted,and that dream was a message from her;'cos that's
what i wanted,a message from her on something.
so last night...let's just say i had a crazy long dream.
i'll just summarize the main point;i was going to get raped by two men.
THE END.

xoxo

Homesick,'cos i no longer know what home is.

Turning and trying to shut my mind off was what my night consisted of.
and i started crying out of nowhere 'cos of a realization.
i am becoming like him more and more each day.
i don't want anyone to look at me and see me the way i see him.
when people see me i don't want them to see what i see when i look at you.
'cos when i look at you all i see;besides being humble,loving,and a perfect man,
is a man that's been tortured by this cruel world.
when i look into your eyes i see pain,misery,longing,and a cry for help.
i want to help you so bad,with ever part of me.but i can't.
'cos we're both alike.and sometimes i feel like i can't even help myself.
and that is what causes me to weep at night.
when it's silent and the rest of the world is sleeping,all i can think about
is how we are two hurt souls that no one will ever understand,or help.
i also wonder what you think about and how you cope with all
the pain that you carry in you.
what i would give to free you from that burden,from those chains.
if only someone could truly understand and accept us.
but for now i will remain shut,and hidden without words.
and i won't give up on the idea that maybe one day we'll be free from the hurt.
i know that i will NEVER be a part of your life,but you'll always
remain in mines 'cos you were there when i had nothing.
forever more,my darling V.
i hope we one day meet.

xoxo